The birth of motherhood & the grief of Self

I am 5 years into my motherhood journey and I still find it hard to look at myself in pictures.

It’s not because I don’t like what I see - it’s that I am still trying to figure out who I am. In the birth of motherhood comes the grief of what was: part of motherhood is grief. We step into our new role all the while letting go of a past lived life. There is nothing wrong with this. Normalize the loss of your past self. Grieve the experiences that were. You can do this while leaning into a new identity, not in replacement of it. Here are 10 things I grieved (and continue to) when I became a mother:

1.Time

I often times look at my partner and ask “what did we do before we had kids?” We look at our girls and think about how fast the time goes and how looking back, we took it for granted.

2. Freedom

Gone are the days when I could wake up, look out the window, and decide to stay in bed longer. Or to have a day where there are “no plans”.

3. Sleep. Lots of sleep.

I went on a trip sans kids with my partner and we still fell asleep by 9 and naturally woke up by 6. Ick!

4. Relationship with my partner

Time. Quality time. Just to be around one another and exist without interference. To go to the store together without keeping a toddler in the cart. To have a spontaneous date without checking if the sitter is available.

5. Control

I get to decide what to make for dinner or what to wear. I get to decorate my house without the influence of tiny hands in mind. I get to listen to my music in the car (are you laughing to keep from crying, yet?).

6. My body

You know the feeling of putting on jeans that were in the dryer for a long time? That’s how all of my clothes fit now. I’m still trying to familiarize myself with marks, lumps, and changes in skin. Lacking luster in hair and smoothness on parts of my body.

7. Choice in career

Welcome to America, where we leave our babies with strangers after 6 weeks and return to a place of employment that could fire you the next day. Can I go for that promotion or will I be pregnant with my second then? Can I take an extended maternity leave or is that during busy season?

8. Alone time

Ahh, solitude. To go to the bathroom without someone yelling at me through the door.

9. Sensory Freedom

You know that feeling when you go to bed at night feeling rejuvenated because no one has touched you all day? Me either.

10. My identity

I am a daughter, a partner, a therapist, a sister, a friend. And now, I am a mother. I welcome her and make space for her and sometimes its hard to get to know her.

Grief and motherhood walk hand in hand. For one to be born another is lost. This doesn’t mean that we look at motherhood with disdain, disgust, or regret. It’s that we memorialize and feel and honor past parts. Grief has always been described to me as a hole in your heart that doesn’t fill, but new growth fills around it. While I mourn, I actively acknowledge new growth. In this, can we fully experience motherhood.